Who and what to avoid in Ireland?

Who and what to avoid in Ireland?

Anyone who has ever lived in Ireland, even for a short while, is at least intuitively aware of the dangers awaiting the poor Polish emigrants.

Those who still have low awareness of local customs should make it up as quickly as they can. Roman law stated that ignorance is harmful. No one should be surprised that the main hazards to the emigrant Poles don’t come from the Irish, blacks, masons, Jews, homosexuals or even cyclists. The main, almost organic threat to Poles is their own countrymen. A Pole is a Pole’s wolf and can drown him in a spoonful of water. Nothing has changed.

  • Never, ever trust a Pole who does nothing but play World of Warcraft. If you find yourself in a house where the main occupant is always playing the game with little regard for anything else and declares that all he needs from the world is to leave him alone to play, get the hell out of there while you still can! Don’t be fooled. He doesn’t want to be left alone, he wants to dominate you and put you down under the false pretence of keeping peace at home. In time, the computer addict will multiply don’ts as if it were his house and you’ve just come for a visit, until you find a note on the bathroom door that it is forbidden to flush the toilet at night. Sooner or later, the Polack will get hammered and force a confrontation, following which you will move out anyway. It’s better not to move in at all.
  • Avoid homes where the renting “lords” seized the living room for themselves, leaving you with the space of your room and some of the kitchen. This space won’t grow with time, don’t count on it; it will shrink even more. You will start to feel like an intruder anywhere in the house.
  • Avoid people who continue to ramble on about the ice cream man and the owner of “Koral”. This shows their insecurities, so if your education level is inferior, they will make fun of you. If it’s better (not hard to do), you will have to keep your guard on at all times to prove at beck and call that you’re not an idiot and won’t get swindled on the power or gas bills, rent, etc. You will also have to laugh at their stupid jokes and admire their neophytes’ enthusiasm as they make discoveries obvious to the average middle schooler.
  • Beware of escorts, who come home and straight away proceed to tell you how much money Tesco has made on that day, excited as if the money went right into their pocket. If they consider the mocking term of “boss” used towards them by the Irish landlord as a complement rather than sarcasm, don’t even stay for coffee.
  • Avoid guys who yell stuff like: “You fucking Irish pig” from the window of a marked company car at random drivers. It’s not as much about what and why they’re yelling, but rather the fact that they’re driving a company car, so it’s a given that the insulted party will call the company and it will all go downhill from there, dismissal at first opportunity. Avoid such guys, because they’re plain morons, who will get you into trouble, or in the best scenario, put you to complete shame.
  • Avoid fans of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th grader?” They’re not.
  • Beware of guys who walk around their home all day in bathrobes and screw light bulbs out to save money. They may be perverts.
  • If you happen to work in an Irish company with Poles, avoid them at all costs. No one will give you black PR of their own free will than your countrymen.
  • Like the devil avoids holy water, avoid Poles unionised in various organisations, particularly those set in the Polish community. No one knows how to use their fellow humans completely for free better than an activist.
  • Never trust teachers or daughters of sergeants and officers. They will attempt to raise you all over again or introduce you to discipline, morning exercise included. You will either be as obedient as clockwork or strangle the nag. Personally, I don’t recommend either.
  • Avoid Poles who already have all available subscriptions: swimming pool, gym, horseback riding, table tennis and morning mass. Their healthy lifestyle will make you suffer.
  • Beware of petty savers and scrooges. Living with them, you will be the one who buys the cleaning products and all your food in the fridge will seem to disappear.
  • Avoid Irish teenagers wandering around the districts in clusters. Don’t talk to them, don’t make eye contact, don’t react to their taunts. Just get the hell out of there, stay as clear of them as possible. Remember, “Nec Hercules Contra Plures”. If twenty of them beat you up and you lay a finger on just one, you will be the one charged with assault. They know this all too well.
  • Beware of drunk Irishwomen in Armani outfits. Talk to them when they sober up or just let it go, unless you have a rich daddy, because that’s what they’ll ask about right after they wake up. If you don’t, you’re screwed.
  • Avoid pubs with suspiciously cheap beer. This means that the patrons couldn’t care less about their EU membership or the Schengen agreement. To them, Ireland is for the Irish, so it will be better for you if you don’t show your emigrant face there.
  • Avoid instant English classes. The people caught like you by the slogan will expand your knowledge of Polish and Russian as they rattle on in their native tongues among themselves. You will not learn any English.
  • Avoid Poles who want to sell you something cheap or provide a service at “half-price”. You can be certain that you will pay twice or three times as much. Just go to the store and buy it cheaper.
  • Unless you’re packing an AK-47, avoid night strolls in the northern districts of Dublin.
  • Never ride with a foreign cabbie, unless you have enough time to see those parts of the city you previously did not want to see, or know the route by heart and are able to guide the driver better than GPS.
  • Now, armed with this knowledge, you’re ready for Ireland. The twentieth piece of advice: smile more often.

    Przemek K.

    Ostatnio zmienianyponiedziałek, 28 styczeń 2013 11:06
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